


seo changbin's guide to getting through this

by jaeminstudio



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hope, Introspection, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression, References to anxiety, Sad with a Happy Ending, honestly idk what this is i'm sorry but enjoy, it's sort of a character study ig, kinda just binnie thinking for 2.9k, like a lot bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-05-29 17:12:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19404601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeminstudio/pseuds/jaeminstudio
Summary: changbin has his good days and his bad days, and he thinks he’s better for them all, at the end.orchangbin thinks about all the reasons he'll be okay–eventually.





	seo changbin's guide to getting through this

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! this is just a short character study almost about changbin and is based around dealing with mental health and depression and slumps/stress and stuff so if you're not comfy with reading about that then please don't!! take care of yourselves and enjoy!!

there are probably many instances in one’s life where they realise they’ve fucked up–and big time, at that.

changbin, after all, has suffered through this unbearable cycle many a time: the one where he wakes after having passed out, face scratchy and bloated from being nose deep in scraps of crumpled paper, breath reeking of day old coffee and stomach growling after not having eaten more than a granola bar in the last four days.

so yes, he can not-so-proudly claim to have crawled the dirtiest back alleys of having let oneself go, not just once, but many, many times throughout his short but seemingly endless life of 19 years. he can claim to know those dark streets–broken streetlights and cracked concrete pavements, strewn with shards of broken glass that dig harshly into one’s bare, bloodied soles–like the back of his hand. he can spend his time telling the readers of how painful it is, to be stuck at the crossroads that lead back to the same lonely spot, to scream and cry with silent, unmoving lips, to stare and watch helplessly as he ruins himself. he can, really.

he can do that, anytime. but he won’t. not here, at least. those numbing feelings can be jotted down in the crumpled pages of a green notebook he’s kept under his loose floorboard since middle school started; but not here.

changbin knows that his pain is only his own. he knows that he cannot compare bruises and tell people how he happened to break his own heart all of these times, until all that hold the abused organ together are chains of lyrics scribbled at four am. he knows he can’t, because his demons are his own to battle–because he’s aware that everyone has their own monsters lurking beneath their beds and hidden inside the closet in their minds. he knows this much, so he won’t.

what he can and _will_ do, however, is deceptively simple.

he’ll think of a list of people he can’t live without, people who can’t live without him, trace each name with a trembling mouth and sandpaper tongue on hopeless nights when he feels nothing, when he feels too far away, when it’s all too much. members, family, friends, his snorlax plushie, gyu, the vocal coach who first taught the boy to put his feelings into words, their beautiful and kind fans, on and on. their names recited until the tremors travelling through his limbs and veins have subsided and the ceaseless tears have dried against his cheeks.

he’ll practice being grateful for them by wordlessly hugging hyunjin after practice the next afternoon, despite the younger being sweaty and gross. he’ll listen to woojin when the eldest suggests decaf starbucks and he’ll pay for their drinks. he’ll buy minho a new pair of dance shoes when his old ones look too worn.

he’ll tell chan that they should pause their writing session after the clock hand strikes midnight and he’ll laugh at jisung’s new puns, ignoring the instinct to instantly groan in response without actually listening. he’ll allow jeongin to lean against his shoulder in the van on their way to shows and run his fingers comfortingly through their youngest's hair, knowing the boy needs all the rest he can get after staying up late to practice the new choreography. he’ll hold felix close when he finds the boy curled on the couch with tear tracks glazed onto his face, listen intently and rub his thumb over the other’s when he whispers quiet secrets of the home he’s left behind. he’ll sit in silence with his thighs pressed against seungmin’s as they do algebra homework on the bed, exchanging warmth and falling asleep together when sums turn blurry under the dim lighting.

he’ll pick up the calls from his mother despite being exhausted after a long day of promotions and promise her that he will eat dinner. he’ll text his father and ask about his day, share anecdotes and old jokes. he'll drop by his sister's workplace during his off days and wait to get coffee with her on her break so they can catch up.

he’ll clutch his teddy while he sleeps and smooth the fur out of its eyes even though he’s been told that he's too old for it (he's not). he’ll write to his grandma and ask for the recipe to bake those cookies he loved when used to he visit her during summer holidays. the members and him will spend a chaotic afternoon making (and eventually burning) the cookies, after which he'll laugh and promise to ask his grandma for a jar, the next time he visits her. he’ll work harder to practice his vocal exercises, thanking his coach with a genuine smile after a class of recording.

he’ll hope they know how much they mean to him, he’ll do his best to remind them with small gestures each day. changbin cares so much for the people in his short but fulfilling life of nineteen years that it aches, and he’ll try his best to convey those emotions to them without shying away.

he’ll hold the hands of fans at crowded fansigns and answer their questions earnestly, sign their copies of his album with cute doodles and encouraging messages scrawled onto them. he’ll try his best to wear all of the headbands and accessories brought by them, and pose for their flashing cameras, their excited grins infectuous. later, he’ll store the items away inside that big box he keeps in his closet, to hopefully remember the day when he’s older with grey roots.

he’ll take the time to read their letters and wipe thankful his tears on his pillowcase, shout his love for them at the next showcase or concert, wave to the roaring crowds. he’ll express his honest feelings when they do vlive, let them know that they are not alone and that he wishes they have a lovely day. he’s glad to be able to help others as he’s been told he does, through melodies and words, through their dances and variety show appearances.

he’ll hope they’re okay, because he cares too much (even about strangers he can’t help but adore with his very being) to let them be anything otherwise.

changbin is many things–headstrong, caring to the point that it hurts, often forgetful, so sweet-toothed that he purchases a bag of candy every time it's his turn to do the grocery shopping–but naive isn't one of them. he knows that he matters, that he is just as important as everyone else, that he is loved–but he’s far too stubborn and forgetful and uncaring of his own health to listen to the tiny voice inside his head that tells him ‘ _stop, stop, stop, sto–_ ’.

well, he’s only human after all.

changbin has his fair share of bad days and terrible days and mildly okay days and good days and sometimes even great days. he has nights and afternoons and mornings and evenings filled with emotion, and times he can’t feel anything at all.

so yes, more often than he would like, he finds himself repeating the same pattern of disregarding his well being. it often starts with a slow change in his diet–skipping meals, drinking more energy drinks or coffee than water–followed by a decrease in sleep (which is already scarce for him, to be brutally honest). it builds at an alarming pace from there, little things like omitting parts of his skincare routine because 'honestly, what's the point?' and muting the band's group chat because of the constant headache he has these days.

he spends more time in the practice room, trying to fix the same position or movement to no avail, or in the studio with the blinds down and his eyes heavy with dark circles, a frustrating lack of lyrics on his pages, a ridiculous lack in the amount of beats floating around his head.

he doesn't buy any sweets on his next trip to the corner store, and he feels woojin's stare, but says nothing.

the other members try to reach out, sometimes it's jisung who sits him down and sometimes it's their leader or woojin, but at the end of the day he can't help but hate himself that much more for making them worry. he promises himself to not let them down, to work harder and harder.

he turns his phone on to 'do not disturb' mode to focus on the choreo or stage rehearsals, buys instant noodles and coffee in bulk so he can eat in the studio rather than travel to and from the dorms. he brings gyu to the jyp buildings to keep in his locker–so when he falls asleep sometimes at five in the morning, he won't be lonely.

he takes the advice from seungmin to take a nap but claims he can't fall asleep at the noisy dorms and leaves, conveniently forgetting their agreement. the boys all express their concerns, but they know that their words aren't being listened to properly, that changbin is temporarily m.i.a. from his own judgement, trapped in his own head.

they try to coax him into relaxing, hyunjin insists that changbin has the dance down perfectly, but he's quiet as they make plans to go for a walk after the next bout of filming. he has stuff to do, he explains without meeting jeongin’s puzzled eyes, they can do the vlive without him. he has a meeting with the producers. really, he does. he's got to call his gym trainer to fix a new workout routine. he's too busy, sorry guys, maybe next time. he stays up late again in the practice room.

minho asks the producing assistant about the appointment with changbin and only sighs when the woman shows surprise. "there was no meeting scheduled with any of members, why do you ask?" he thanks her and apologises, telling the others in a hushed tone in the car back home. chan shakes his head sadly and the rest of the ride is drowned by a deafening kind of silence.

changbin leaves for the studio right away, declining the younger ones' invitation to their weekly movie night. he's busy, far too busy. felix taps him on the arm gently as he's leaving and pulls him over for a hug. after reaching the confines of his new home, the studio, changbin breaks down in choked tears that hurt his red, aching eyes. he really loves disney, why did he refuse to watch aladdin? he doesn't know. really, he doesn't.

he can't breathe, his entire body is sore from exhaustion and neglect. lightheaded, he sits down with his head in his hands. does the breathing exercises woojin taught him last year when this was happening as well. he doesn't want to think right now. someone is constantly stabbing his brain with invisible serrated blades, he's sure of it. there's no way he can think right now.

so tired, he's so, so tired. he feels his skin breaking out and his hair is probably dripping with grease. he hasn't changed his clothes since yesterday. changbin's glad that they're not in the middle of promotions because he knows their stylists would chew him out for his acne and unconditioned hair.

his head hurts but the painkillers ran out after he finished the last box earlier but he can't be bothered to go outside to get more. there's simply too much to get done. right?

he smiles for the cameras, but the grin never reaches his eyes. he looks over the pictures taken by his favourite fansite at the airport and sees only his mask and hat covering his face. he's sorry, he's so, so sorry. he says nothing.

he puts on his airpods to block out the sounds from the outside, but the music is only noise now. there's an overwhelming sense of fear when he shoves them back in his pocket in panic. please, not again, not music. he's so, so scared, it's all he has. he uses his in-ears and plays their own music until his heart stops beating out of his chest.

his mother calls to ask about their latest appearance on a show, so he speaks with a hollow voice and hangs up early with the excuse that he's really tired today, you know how it is. he doesn't want his parents to hear him like this.

he doesn't think he has the energy to cry anymore, but surprises himself as he does when chan stops him on the way to the studio and makes him sit down in their bedroom. chan says that he hasn't seen changbin coming back to the dorms these days, is he sleeping? the honest answer is no, but he says yeah, of course, because perhaps long blinks count as rest.

chan of all people knows what this cycle can do, has experienced it first hand over long years of the same routine, so he hugs changbin and reminds him that he's good enough, hands the red-eyed boy a water bottle after they cuddle on the bed. sometime during their cuddling, jisung and minho wander in, and they pretend that the tear tracks on changbin's cheeks aren't there and hug him all the same.

he stays at the dorms and can't fall asleep. closing his eyes anyway, he listens to chan's steady breathing in the other bed and finds himself awaken the next morning as sunshine streams through the curtains. it's been a while since he has smiled and felt relieved like this.

he knows he's loved, he knows he matters, but sometimes, he needs a reminder, however small it may be.

he's told felix tried to cook pancakes and sees a visibly tired seungmin try to put out the small explosion using their fire extinguisher. not the first time it's happened, he thinks with amusement, ruffling felix’s hair in thanks as he eats the only-sort-of-burned pancakes. he finds himself joining in on the chatter of his beloved members, making bad jokes about fire extinguishers and frying pans as they sit around the table for breakfast.

the entire room releases a breath of relief. hyunjin stumbles into the kitchen half an hour afterwards, late again, and tackles changbin in a bone-crushing hug. changbin doesn't mind, finds himself hugging back, just as tightly. he's okay, just for now. he's here, he's alright.

he can get through this, he will. he’ll remind himself to think of chan’s imploring gaze from back in their trainee days, desperation and hope in his look as he asked changbin to join the group he’s picking out. the way felix’s eyes lit up as they sat together, leaning against the floor-length mirror of the empty practice room and discussing the shapes of korean vowels and old idioms changbin hears his grandma parrot every so often. he’ll think of his first trip with minho through the crowded streets of myeongdong, buying steaming side dishes from street vendors and making up the life stories of passing, oblivious tourists.

changbin will think of woojin singing softly to him as they lie in their then-new dorms, holding onto each others’ familiar selves in the foreign home they had worked so hard to earn. jeongin kicking his leg under the table and not freezing up to become a blushing, stuttering mess for the first time since they met, the youngest only giggling with full cheeks and asking him to pass the grilled meat already, making changbin think that maybe they’ll all become close one day. the way jisung gripped his hand during many a late-night studio session as they stressed to meet deadlines, the two reminding each other constantly that they’ll always have each others’ backs. the nine of them will debut together, despite the odds.

he’ll remember the way seungmin helped him relax his shoulders and unscrew his nerve-ridden eyes while they went over changbin’s vocal performance for _‘glow’_ , giving him an encouraging hug that hurt with how tight it was before he climbed up on stage with sweaty palms. how hyunjin pulled him into bed with him on that one sunday morning during their post-debut-announcement-glow phase, humming sleepily into changbin’s collarbones and ordering him to “sleep now, you’re okay hyung”.

of course he knows that a hug and a heart-to-heart won’t always be enough, a fleeting thought of memories from long ago won’t heal the gaping hole he can sometimes feel in his chest cavity, but he also knows that it sometimes will be–just enough to help escape the cage he’s trapped himself in. he knows that when it isn't possible to console himself with these things, he has people who believe in him, in his worth. he knows he can trust them to help him and be there for him, because he'd do the same in a heartbeat.

he knows that people will scoff and claim that he has no reason to feel like this, he’s not allowed to feel suffocated and alone, especially not when he is successful and so loved by countless fans all around the world, pursuing a career he’s so, so passionate about. he also knows that comparing the pains of people and assuming the state of their mental health isn’t something he’ll ever do.

he knows better than to base someone’s happiness levels off their twitter follower count and the number zeros decorating their paychecks. he knows better, so it doesn't matter to him what people whisper and comment. not when he has all of these precious memories and people surrounding him, reminding him that he is lucky, he is loved, he is allowed to feel.

he knows that he will be okay, eventually. we all are, you know, at the end. so he’ll hold on and hope for the best, as much as he can. changbin has his good days and his bad days, and he thinks he’s better for them all, at the end.

_**the end. ~~~~**_

**Author's Note:**

> (i may have been projecting lmao)  
> this is kinda crappy but i'm working on better, longer fics which you ought to expect posted in the next eight to ten years if i can ever get to write them hshfd  
> also just a disclaimer that obviously this is a work of fiction so i'm not actually claoming to know about changbin's mental health and stuff, so please don't get the wrong idea! of course i hope him and the rest of the members are taking care of themselves and resting/eating well!! the last thing you'll ever catch me doing is romanticizing mental illnesses lmao (and before anybody asks, i have no idea why this is called a 'guide')  
> honestly ilysm if you've read this far and kudos/comments are forever and always appreciated!! thank you for reading♡  
> -di  
> (tumblr: @najaeminloveclub)


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